When I look back on my career, my first job still stands out as one of the most challenging periods of my life. My relationship with my first boss was rocky from the start. He was an authoritative figure who rarely engaged in real conversations with me. Despite spending four years in that job, my interactions with him only became increasingly strained as time went on.
I can still vividly recall the day that has haunted me for years: he shouted at me, calling me daft and good for nothing, and then proceeded to throw the paper I had written right at me. I remember retreating to my desk, staring blankly at a file in a futile attempt to escape the humiliation and his hurtful words. The emotional scars from that moment lingered, shaping how I perceived my professional relationships for many years to come.
Discovering Adlerian Psychology
It wasn’t until years later, during my studies in social work and psychology, that I came across the work of Alfred Adler. Adlerian psychology provided a fresh lens through which to view my past experiences, and it began to challenge the way I thought about my relationship with my first boss. Understanding Adler’s theories was like a light bulb turning on inside my head, illuminating new perspectives on events that I had long considered unchangeable.
Adler’s approach differed significantly from what I had previously understood about psychology, particularly the Freudian approach that emphasizes causation. According to aetiological thinking, popularized by Sigmund Freud, everything has a cause-and-effect relationship. My first boss insulted me, and that experience led to my negative feelings towards all my future bosses. In this Freudian view, I was a victim of my circumstances, and there was little I could do to change my deep-seated mistrust of authority figures.
Teleology: Shifting Perspective from Cause to Purpose
Adlerian psychology introduced me to the concept of teleology, which flips the traditional cause-and-effect model on its head. Instead of focusing on the past causes of behavior, Adlerian psychology emphasizes the purposes and goals of behavior. From a teleological perspective, I wasn’t suffering from my past because of my boss’s insults. Instead, I was unconsciously holding onto that memory because it served a purpose: it allowed me to justify not wanting to improve my relationships with current and future bosses.
This revelation was both uncomfortable and liberating. It suggested that I had more control over my situation than I had previously believed. If I was the one bringing up the memory of being insulted by my first boss as a way to avoid building better relationships with new bosses, then I also held the power to change that pattern.
Holding the Interpersonal Relationship Card
This realization was a game-changer. In Adlerian terms, I had been holding the “interpersonal relationship card,” a metaphorical tool that dictated how I interacted with others based on my past experiences. From a Freudian perspective, I had no control over the fact that my first boss had treated me poorly, which led to my negative view of authority. However, Adlerian psychology suggested that by recognizing the role of my own goals and purposes, I could reclaim control. If I changed my goal, I could potentially change my behavior and improve my relationships.
I began to see how I was using my first boss’s insults as a shield to protect myself from potential future harm. By doing so, I was avoiding the vulnerability that comes with trying to build genuine relationships with my current boss. This insight gave me a sense of freedom. It allowed me to discard the power that those negative experiences held over me. I didn’t work for that first boss anymore, and the trauma of that experience no longer had to dictate my interactions in the present.
The Separation of Tasks
Another key Adlerian concept that helped me was the idea of the “separation of tasks.” Adler argued that understanding which tasks are yours and which belong to others can significantly improve personal and professional relationships. Applying this to my situation, I acknowledged that my first boss’s moodiness and difficult personality were his tasks, not mine. His behavior and feelings were things I could never change, nor did I need to.
This separation of tasks empowered me to take responsibility for my own actions and reactions. I realized that I was the one who held the card to my interpersonal relationships, not my first boss or anyone else. This new perspective gave me the freedom to let go of the bad experiences that had no real power over me anymore. They were in the past, and I had the power to choose how they influenced my present.
Changing the Goal: A Practical Step Forward
Armed with these new insights, I decided to change my goal. I aimed to improve my relationship with my current boss rather than letting past experiences dictate my behavior. This change didn’t mean that my current boss would suddenly become the easiest person to work with; he might still have difficult days. However, by separating his tasks from mine, I could interact with him in a way that wasn’t colored by my past traumas.
In practical terms, this meant being mindful of my behavior and ensuring that it wasn’t influenced by the negative experiences with my first boss. It meant consciously deciding to give my current boss the benefit of the doubt and to approach our relationship with a fresh perspective. It was about reclaiming my power and not letting past experiences define my present interactions.
Seeking Professional Help
For anyone struggling with similar challenges, I cannot stress enough the importance of seeking professional help. Working with a counselor or psychologist who is familiar with Adlerian perspectives can be incredibly liberating. They can help you analyze your thoughts and feelings, understand the underlying goals of your behavior, and guide you toward more constructive patterns.
Through this process, I discovered that I had the power to change how I viewed and interacted with authority figures. I realized that my past experiences did not have to define me or my relationships. This new understanding gave me the freedom to throw away the negative cards from my past and start fresh with my current boss.
Conclusion: Holding Your Own Interpersonal Relationship Card
The biggest takeaway from my journey is the realization that we all hold the cards to our interpersonal relationships. When we cling to past traumas, we often do so because they serve a purpose in our current lives. It’s essential to ask ourselves if we want to entrust the control of our relationships to the memories of others or if we want to reclaim that power for ourselves.
Changing the way we think about our past experiences, shifting our goals, and recognizing the separation of tasks can transform how we engage with those around us. By doing so, we can break free from the chains of past trauma and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
I encourage you to reflect on your own working relationships and consider how the principles of Adlerian psychology might help you reclaim your power, just as they did for me. After all, the card to your happiness and success is in your hands. Wouldn’t you rather hold it yourself than leave it to someone else?
